IMDB Trivia These Days
A few of you need to step up your game.
IMDB trivia writers, I need you to know something. First, let me say, I am thankful for most of you. I need something to read on the toilet and social media aint cutting it these days. Although I recently subscribed to the print version of The Onion, I only get one issue a month. That’s not a lot of toilet newspaper.
To pass the time, I like to read IMDB trivia instead. I like learning about behind-the-scenes stories, set drama, how they made the props work. Background on certain shots, budget facts, actor’s thoughts about the scenes, Hollywood rumors, apocryphal tales. All gold.
There are a few things I don’t need.
1. The Cursed Pendant. “Darlene says Frankie should be in a ‘sanitarium’ after she sees him behaving erratically. The trivia points out that Darlene should have said ‘asylum’ since he needs treatment for mental illness and not recovery.”
This is not a piece of trivia. This is you trying to make yourself look smart by knowing a vocabulary word. Maybe the character doesn’t know the difference. Most people don’t. Characters can be wrong, even minor ones. Otherwise, every time someone on screen said something is making them nauseous, you should correct them and say they feel nauseated. Nauseous is what’s causing the nausea. A rotting corpse is nauseous. It’s making you nauseated. This is not trivia. This is pedantry. You don’t need it, and neither do I.
2. Gun guys. Gun guys love to point out that a revolver only shoots 6 shots. That the Springfield 1842 rifle was only manufactured from 1844-1865, and shouldn’t be in this scene since the setting is 1843. That the Orion Plasma Cannon can only be reloaded with pure Orion-grade plasma, and Star Captain Woobaloo was using Deneb-grade plasma at best, hyuck hyuck hyuck.
Who gives a shit? Give George Washington a bazooka if it makes the movie better. How much better would “The Patriot” have been if Mel Gibson had an a-bomb? I’m legitimately asking, I’ve never seen it. My family is from the UK, so “Braveheart” was our “Patriot.”
3. ‘In real life…’ “In real life, George Washington could never have gotten a bazooka.” Give me a fucking break. It’s a movie. “Did you know Delorians can’t fly, like in ‘Back to the Future?’” Of course I know that, it’s a fucking movie. You can’t trust anything you see on that screen, because if it pumps up the story, they’ll do it. That’s why the gravity in “Gravity” doesn’t behave like gravity, it behaves like movie gravity. Is it a little strange they decided to ignore the rules of gravity in a movie called “Gravity?” Sure, but that’s Hollywood, baby.
4. The age mathematician. “He was 78 when they filmed the movie and she was 19, but they play high school sweethearts.” This is a little more interesting, if there’s some juicy set gossip behind it, but in general, it’s worthless. They’re playing characters. Ever seen a high school play? They’ll have a 16 year old as King Lear. Bad casting is not trivia.
Sometimes, the production is stuck for choice. Would you rather see a movie with a fantastic actor 10 years too old, or with a boring actor who’s the right age? Personally, I pick fantastic.
5. Coincidence man. “This movie stars Bill Murray. Thirty years later, Bill Murray appears in another movie, and both movies use the same costume designer.” This is not trivia, this is working in show business. People work with people they like. And if you’re a pro at the top, you generally work with other pros at the top. There’s not a lot of room up there. A good costume designer is worth their weight in sequins.
You know what is trivia? Viggo Mortensen breaking his toe in “The Two Towers.” They use the shot in the movie! The scream is real! If your piece of trivia isn’t on this level, consider not adding it. No one cares that Jerry Seinfeld played Jerry in “Seinfeld.”
Everyone else, keep up the good work.