Great Inventions of the Future
I've already made one.
Every now and then, someone says to me, “Forrest, I don’t know how you can contain all this brilliance. Surely, your head must be exploding at all times.” That someone is me, and I’m talking to myself in the bathroom mirror, or maybe in the hall mirror, or maybe my reflection in the window.
And once in a while, I’m right. The first step of an invention is thinking of the thing. I have done the first step, and in one of these cases, all the subsequent steps, too. The rest of the details I leave for the many engineers and physicists that read this ‘stack. If you knew the number, you’d think, “whoa, our best and brightest listen to his hokem?” They do, dear reader. They do.
Anyway, here are a couple fantastic ideas next time you want to drop a few grand on a patent. Just remember where you heard it first.
1. The Coldcrowave
You’ve probably got a microwave in your home, but for those that don’t, imagine a small oven that sends electromagnetic waves into your food to heat it. Sounds scary? That’s because it’s science, and it is. Microwaves are so popular they are found in almost every American home.
And that’s great if you want to make something hot, but what if you want to make something cold, fast? There’s no time to wait for the freezer to cool it, and besides, after that can of Coke you left in there exploded, the freezer is off limits.
What if you’re a person who prefers cold pizza to hot? Or you accidentally microwaved your gazpacho?
Well, you need the coldcrowave. It’s a microwave that makes things colder instead. Put your hot thing in the box, punch the buttons, and before you know it, cold pizza, just like it was left out all night.
How it works: don’t ask me. But considering heat is mostly how much molecules are bouncing off each other, you’d need some sort of entropy machine to slow them down. I think that might contribute to the heat death of the universe. But the universe is big, so don’t sweat it.
2. The recumbent unicycle
Recumbent bicycles are great if you want to save your knees or lie around all day while still getting exercise. But what if you’re a lazy showoff, like me?
Enter the recumbent unicycle, then exit, then enter, then exit, because that’s how you keep your balance on a unicycle, by peddling back and forth. This one may take little effort to fabricate, but the results are worth it, I’m sure.
How it works: People have already tried this, but it’s more of a sitting unicycle than a perfectly recumbent one. I’m looking to get horizontal. And by “I’m” I mean, someone else. This idea seems too dangerous for me to try.
3. Lacrosse, but several dogs play too
Real, fetch-loving dogs. As the players whip the ball back in fort from those little nets, the dogs, all big, excitable breeds, bound after it too. I think it could add a little panache to a game primarily played by colleges. Have you ever seen someone over 22 playing lacrosse? Not me.
How it works: The dogs are a team of their own, and if they get the ball, they score a point. There’s no hitting or tackling the dogs, but you can pull the ball out of its mouth. Hopefully, your big-ass lacrosse gloves will protect you from bites. And rabies.
4. Marshmallow bread
This one I have done, and I got to say, it turned out edible. By using a recipe for cinnamon bread in my bread maker, then adding marshmallows when I add the filling and finishing in the oven, I created an abomination. Sadly, the marshmallows all ran out and escaped, except for the ones on top, which puffed up nicely. That’s what I was going for, and if I was trying again, I would consider using marshmallow fluff and nutella.
How it works: Follow the instructions in the bread machine book, then add marshmallows to the filling in addition to sugar and cinnamon. After baking, chill using coldcrowave until cut-able temperature. Be disappointed when the marshmallows dissolve.
Lets get cracking on a few of these, especially the entropy machine. I baked the bread, the rest is up to the physicists.